A caring friend can take our hurt seriously and still help us see where we have been wrong. In the grace we have received through Christ, we can learn to welcome that kind of love.
Learning to receive honest counsel through the grace we have in Christ
A companion study to Episode 7 of Particular Struggles
Primary passage: James 3:13–4:10
You have just had a difficult conversation with your brother. Some of what he said hurt you, and afterward you find yourself going over it again. You remember his tone. You think about what you wish you had said. Eventually, you call a friend because you want someone to understand why you are upset.
Your friend listens patiently. Then, after a little while, they ask whether something you said might have been unkind.
You feel yourself pulling back. You had hoped this conversation would help you feel understood, and now you feel as though you have to defend yourself again. Before long, you are frustrated with your friend as well as your brother.
Perhaps you recognize something of yourself in that experience. It can be painful to discover how much we wanted another person’s agreement, especially when we had thought we were simply asking for help.
There is nothing shameful about needing someone to listen. We are people who need care, and Scripture gives us a place to receive it within the body of Christ. Yet our longing to be understood can become a demand that someone confirm our account of what happened.
James helps us examine that change honestly. As he does, he leads us toward the grace of God, where we can acknowledge our sin and learn to respond differently.
What We Begin to Require from Another Person
To understand James 4, it helps to begin a little earlier.
In James 3:13–18, James describes two very different kinds of wisdom. Jealousy and selfish ambition produce disorder. Wisdom from above expresses itself in a life marked by gentleness and a willingness to pursue peace. James is concerned with the conduct that grows out of what people believe and desire.
Then, at the beginning of chapter 4, he asks what causes the quarrels among his readers. He directs their attention to the desires at war within them.
That connection matters. The quarrel has a history within the heart before it becomes an exchange of angry words. Something we want has become so important that we are prepared to mistreat another person when we cannot obtain it.
We may recognize this when we turn to a friend after an argument. We begin the conversation hoping for comfort. As our friend listens, however, we discover that we have attached a condition to receiving their care: they must agree with us.
Their sympathy seems insufficient if they also question something we said. Their friendship begins to feel uncertain if they think the other person may have a legitimate concern.
At that point, it is worth asking ourselves, “What have I begun to require from this person?”
That question can help us recognize the difference between receiving a friend’s care and trying to govern their response. Our friend has a conscience before God too. Love gives them room to speak truthfully.
Why Admitting Fault Can Feel So Threatening
Sometimes there is fear beneath our insistence.
We may worry that admitting one wrong will leave us blamed for the entire disagreement. Perhaps this has happened before. We acknowledged a harsh word, and the other person treated that admission as proof that everything was our fault. We learned to defend every detail because we were afraid of what would happen if we yielded any ground.
A caring friend should take that history seriously.
Even so, defending words we regret leaves us with another burden. We are trying to persuade someone that our conduct was acceptable while knowing, somewhere within us, that we wish we had responded differently.
It may help to tell your friend what you fear.
You could say, “I’m afraid that if I admit I spoke unkindly, what happened to me will be overlooked.”
Now your friend has a better understanding of why their question was difficult to hear. They can acknowledge the hurt you experienced while helping you consider your response.
Galatians 6:1–2 gives us a helpful picture of this kind of care. Paul calls for gentleness in restoring someone who has sinned, and he tells believers to bear one another’s burdens. Concern for a person’s suffering belongs alongside concern for how they are walking with the Lord.
A faithful friend can remain beside you as you face something you would rather avoid. Their willingness to speak honestly may become one of the ways the Lord helps you.
There is also an important limit to this application. A person who has experienced intimidation or abuse should be able to seek support without being pressured to accept blame for someone else’s conduct. A trusted pastor who understands those situations can help them consider what is safe. The call to examine our own hearts must be applied with care for the person who has been harmed.
When the Same Desire Enters Our Prayers
James brings prayer into his discussion in chapter 4, verse 3. He describes requests shaped by selfish desires. The people he addresses want God to provide what will serve those desires.
We can recognize something similar in the way we pray after a disagreement.
We may ask the Lord repeatedly to show the other person how wrong they were. We think about the apology they owe us. We hope someone will finally persuade them to see the situation as we do. Meanwhile, we give little attention to the possibility that we also need to repent.
It is appropriate to bring injustice before God. We can ask Him for protection and for the truth to become clear. The concern James raises is the purpose governing our requests. Are we willing for God to address our own conduct as we ask Him to address someone else’s?
That willingness may become part of our prayer:
“Father, You know why this hurt me. Please help me understand my own response too. I want to be honest with You about the words I used.”
James then warns about friendship with the world. In this passage, the concern is allegiance to values opposed to God. His language of marital unfaithfulness shows how seriously he regards that divided loyalty.
When winning a quarrel becomes more important to us than obeying the Lord, our desires are drawing us toward those values. We begin treating another person according to whether they support our interests.
James intends us to feel the seriousness of this. Our relationships with others belong within our relationship with God.
Then he gives us reason to come before the Lord with hope.
“But He Gives More Grace”
Those words in James 4:6 deserve our attention.
James has spoken plainly about destructive desires and opposition to God. He now directs his readers to the grace God gives, reminding them that God opposes the proud and gives grace to the humble.
The invitation to humility is an invitation to stop defending what God has shown us to be wrong. We can acknowledge it before Him and receive His help.
Humility earns us nothing. We come as people who need mercy, trusting the God who has graciously called us to Himself.
The rest of the New Testament helps us understand the foundation of that confidence. Romans 5:1–2 teaches that believers have been justified by faith and have peace with God through Jesus Christ. Our standing before the Father rests upon the saving work of His Son.
Consider what that means when someone questions your conduct.
Your friend’s observation may reveal something you need to confess. It may lead to an uncomfortable conversation or an apology. Yet your acceptance before God is not waiting for the outcome of that discussion. Through faith in Christ, you already have peace with Him.
You can acknowledge that you spoke selfishly without having to defend those words as though the Father’s love depended upon them.
This is one of the ways the gospel reaches into an ordinary disagreement. The security we have in Christ gives us room to be honest.
We may still feel embarrassed. We may wish we had behaved differently. Even then, we can turn toward the Father with confidence in the Savior who gave Himself for us.
Drawing Near with a Willingness to Turn
James 4:8 joins an invitation to a call for repentance:
“Draw near to God, and he will draw near to you.”
James immediately speaks about cleansing our hands and purifying our hearts. His concern includes our outward conduct and the desires from which it grows.
That connection helps us understand what drawing near means here. We come to God willing for Him to address what we have been doing. We acknowledge the injury caused by our words and turn from the pride that has kept us defending them.
In the situation we have been considering, that may include recognizing how we treated the friend who tried to help us.
Perhaps we interrupted them repeatedly. Perhaps we questioned their loyalty because they would not agree. We may have retold the story with increasing emphasis until they finally stopped raising concerns.
Those are specific things we can confess.
We might say, “I asked you to help me, and then I became upset when you spoke honestly. I put pressure on you to agree with me. I’m sorry.”
James also tells his readers to submit to God and resist the devil. Earlier, in James 3:15, he described the supposed wisdom associated with jealousy and selfish ambition as demonic. The passage gives us reason to take the spiritual seriousness of quarrelling to heart.
Our responsibility remains clear. We submit ourselves to the Lord and refuse to nurture the attitudes His Word exposes. We can stop repeating an accusation we know is unfair. We can choose to hear someone’s concern without preparing an angry reply.
James calls for grief over sin because the harm matters. That grief has a place within our return to God. We can repent with hope because the Lord has already told us that He gives grace to the humble.
Christ Lives in You as You Learn to Listen
Perhaps you understand the need to repent, yet the urge to defend yourself remains strong. You intend to listen, but as soon as your friend begins speaking, you feel the argument forming within you.
This is where our life in Christ becomes especially precious.
In Galatians 2:20, Paul speaks of Christ living in him. He describes his present life as a life of faith in the Son of God, who loved him and gave Himself for him.
These words arise within Paul’s explanation of justification through faith in Christ. His life before God has been changed through union with the crucified and risen Savior. He now lives in dependence upon the One who loved him.
Paul continues to be an active person. He believes and responds. His testimony gives us a picture of a person whose life is sustained by Christ and lived through faith in Him.
That is the heart of what I mean by living from Christ.
The believer has received life in the Son. His Spirit dwells within us, and we can depend upon Him in the circumstances where obedience becomes difficult. That includes the conversation in which we are struggling to receive correction.
You can turn to the Lord while your friend is speaking.
“Lord Jesus, I want to defend myself. Help me hear what they are saying and respond honestly.”
You may still feel the desire to interrupt. Galatians 5:17 describes the opposition between the flesh and the Spirit, so the presence of conflicting desires should not surprise us. Paul calls believers to walk by the Spirit within that struggle.
The fruit of the Spirit includes love and patience. These qualities have a place in how we receive a difficult question. As we rely on the Lord, we can give the other person time to finish and consider what they have said.
That involves effort. We are attending to someone whose words may be uncomfortable. The scriptural call to dependence gives that effort its proper setting: we are responding to God while trusting His work within us.
Abiding in Christ Gives Shape to Our Response
John 15 helps us understand this dependence further.
Jesus describes Himself as the vine and His disciples as the branches. Their fruitfulness depends upon remaining in Him. As He develops that teaching, He speaks of His words abiding in them and calls them to love one another as He has loved them.
Abiding therefore reaches into the way we receive and respond to His teaching. We bring our desires before Him as His Word helps us understand what love requires.
During a disagreement, we may remember that the person speaking to us is someone Christ calls us to love. We may recognize that our desire to be vindicated has kept us from giving them the attention we wanted for ourselves.
The Lord’s words help us see the conversation differently. We can ask a sincere question and leave room for an answer we have not already decided to accept or reject.
Perhaps we say, “What made you see it that way?”
Then we listen.
Our friend may describe a moment we had overlooked. They may have heard an accusation in our words that we had excused because we were hurt. Or they may have misunderstood a detail, and we can explain it more carefully.
In each case, we have an opportunity to remain responsive to Christ. We can seek the truth while treating our friend with affection.
Over time, these conversations can become places where we learn more of His patience. The person who disagrees with us is still someone entrusted to our care.
A Friend Who Is Gentle Enough to Hear You
James 3:17 describes wisdom from above as gentle and “open to reason.” That phrase is especially helpful when we consider whom to approach for counsel.
We need a friend who will hear us patiently and take our circumstances seriously. We also need someone whose care gives us room to consider what we may have missed.
The same qualities should shape the way we receive their counsel.
Being open to reason means we are willing to consider what someone says. It leaves room for careful judgment. A friend can be sincere and mistaken, and we should weigh their words in light of Scripture and the circumstances.
We do not have to accept an inaccurate accusation to demonstrate humility. We can explain what happened while remaining willing to be corrected.
One way to make that possible is to begin the conversation honestly:
“I’m upset about something that happened, and I would appreciate your help thinking through how to respond. There may be something I’m overlooking.”
That opening gives your friend permission to help you. You have made room for their perspective.
It also helps to include your own words when you tell the story. We naturally remember what hurt us, and we may give that part of the exchange more attention. A fuller account allows our friend to understand why the disagreement developed as it did.
We can trust the Lord while being truthful about the details that reflect poorly on us. His mercy gives us a place to face them.
Apologizing for What Is Yours to Confess
Receiving counsel may help you recognize that you need to speak again with the person involved in the original disagreement.
When it is safe and wise to do so, you can acknowledge your conduct specifically.
You might say, “When we spoke yesterday, I became angry and used words that were unkind. I’m sorry for speaking to you that way.”
That apology concerns something you did. You can take responsibility for it without making a judgment that everything in the disagreement was your fault.
There may still be an important concern to discuss. Something the other person said may have been hurtful or untrue. You can address that honestly as well.
It often helps to give your apology room to stand on its own. An immediate explanation of everything the other person did can make it difficult for them to hear that you are taking responsibility.
A trusted believer may help you prepare for the conversation. They can ask whether your words communicate what you intend and help you consider how to raise the remaining concern with care.
You are allowed to receive that support. The church’s calling to bear burdens includes helping one another through difficult conversations.
When You Are Still Misunderstood
James 4:10 closes this appeal with a call to humble ourselves before the Lord and a promise that He will lift us up.
We should receive that promise within its setting. James is calling people away from pride and into dependence upon God. He gives them reason to entrust themselves to the Lord as they humble themselves before Him.
The verse does not specify that every disagreement will end in public vindication. Your friend may continue to see part of the situation differently. The person you have apologized to may offer no apology in return.
That can hurt, particularly when you have made a sincere effort to act faithfully.
You can bring that hurt to the Father. He knows the circumstances you have found difficult to explain. You can ask for wisdom about what remains within your responsibility and entrust the outcome to Him.
Sometimes further conversation will be helpful. In other situations, you may need to allow time before speaking again. Where trust has been damaged, its restoration may require continuing evidence of change.
You do not have to persuade every person who has heard about the disagreement. The Lord can care for you while someone else’s judgment remains unresolved.
And you can continue receiving help from a friend who loves you, even when that friend cannot affirm every part of your account.
Making Room for the Care You Needed
Perhaps, as you have been reading, a particular conversation has come to mind. You remember a friend who asked a reasonable question, and you recognize how quickly you became defensive.
There is an opportunity to return to that friendship with honesty.
You can tell them that you were hurt and wanted reassurance. You can also acknowledge that you made it difficult for them to speak freely.
They may have been trying to offer the kind of care you needed all along.
A loving friend can help us remain attentive to the Lord when our feelings have narrowed our attention to the wrong done against us. They can sit with us in the hurt and help us consider our response. We can be grateful for that care even when receiving it takes time.
James’s words about grace give us reason to begin again. The Lord who exposes our pride also welcomes us to draw near. Through Christ, we have peace with God, and His Spirit is present as we learn to love.
You can bring your desire to be understood before Him. You can tell Him where you have been wrong and depend upon Him as you make amends.
And when you speak with your friend again, you can give them room to answer honestly.
A Prayer for Grace to Receive Honest Counsel
Father, You know why these disagreements have hurt us. You understand what we have struggled to explain and why another person’s agreement has mattered so much to us. Thank You that we can bring that hurt to You with confidence in Your love.
We confess that we have sometimes pressured our friends to agree with us. We have defended unkind words because we were afraid of being blamed. We acknowledge that sin before You and turn from our insistence on having our own way. Thank You for the forgiveness we have through Jesus Christ and the peace with You that He has secured for us.
Thank You that Christ lives in us. Your Spirit is present in the very conversations we find difficult. As we listen to our friends, we depend upon You and are willing to consider what we may have overlooked. We ask for wisdom, trusting Your promise to give generously.
Where we have been wrong, we are willing to acknowledge it and apologize to those we have hurt. We can take that step in reliance upon Christ, even while we feel the desire to defend ourselves. Thank You for the friends whose love includes speaking honestly with us.
Some of these relationships remain painful, Father. We entrust them to Your care, including the things we cannot put right ourselves. You know what lies ahead, and we trust You as we respond to what Your Word has shown us.
In Jesus’ name, amen.